Searching for me, but finding Him

Soul searching. As cliched as that term may be,it is the easiest way to describe the struggle with the self. It is that struggle that ultimately lead me to where I wanted to be albeit after 6 years. Heres my journey of soul searching ,my journey to Hijaab and the new journey I had not fully anticipated to follow.

Throwback to the early 2000's , I was your typical hipster jeans clad girl, teeny bopper ,whose head was full of ideals and ideas that were not in line with Quraan or Sunnah. I was stuck in that phase where I heard advise without listening to it. Well what changed that? That's what I've often been asked, and I have grappled with the question myself. Truthfully, it was a whole number of things that initiated a very gradual change. For starters,there was that transitional period from secondary to tertiary education Which left me with the sense that adulthood was awaiting after Matric.( tho I had not realized i had already reached it on becoming baaligh). Then there was the loss of four relatives on one day that came with a certain amount of realization that i needed to change before meeting my own end. There was soul searching,lots of if's ,but's and why's. And mainly there was Guidance from Allah, sent through teachers, family, friends and a host of other avenues too numerous to mention.

If memory serves me right(its often unreliable) ,i began wearing cloak and scarf in September 2007. This was a major step for someone who would occasionally wear a scarf when going out. I loved it. It is amazing the difference that 'extra clothes' make. I felt more modest,more respected and my heart was a little more at ease knowing I was closer to complete Hijaab. I think I did mention previously how Deeni studies became my chosen path, well it was during my 2nd year in 2009, that Allah blessed me with full Hijaab ie,concealment of my face and body. It was difficult initially, having to face the odd snide remark and learning to adjust to the boundaries that come with Hijaab. What was most difficult was realizing that Hijaab is not the ultimate in faith. I had naively thought that wearing Hijab would qualify me for a higher degree in Imaan. But i had soon learned that by winning the external struggle, the inner struggle still remains. And it will remain until I depart from this World. Another aspect that I was to learn is that even tho the eyes remain uncovered, they should actually be protected just as much as the rest of the body. The true test of a Hijaabi is in how she controls her gaze.

Sometimes Allah sets us on a quest of self discovery ,simply to find Him. And once we find Him , may we strive to forever remain in His Mercy. Aameen

Until you read again
Ma'assalaam